The skill of listening - 3 tips for effective listening
Okay, I admit it -- I am very bummed this morning. I just read an email from someone with whom I have met at many networking meetings and even met with at their office - not to sell them, but to learn more about what they do and determine the kind of person they are. I have always been extremely impressed.
Today I feel much different.
A couple of days ago they contacted me about a seminar they are working on which will look at workplace tragedies. The person knows who my prospects are and thought the seminar would be a good fit.
There is one aspect of my life I do not openly share on a one-to-one basis because of the emotions and mental images it evokes in me and others. But I felt it could be a great message so I replied that one of my keynote address is "Overcoming Life's Disappointments". In it I relate the story about when I learned my 2-year old son had been killed. I share the personal aspects of overcoming tragedy as well as the support that was beneficial (and not so helpful) from my boss, employer, staff, and co-workers.
The reply I got was very stark: "We are all set with speakers for this year but I will keep that in mind for sure for next year. Are you interested in exhibiting though?"
Not a word such as "Sorry about your loss".
Just an attempt to sell me a booth.
I was not looking for pity or sympathy but a little empathy would have been appreciated.
Rather than sit here and wallow in pity I thought I would share with you what life has taught me about reacting to unexpected, surprising, or tragic news. We may not hear such things the first time we network with someone, but as relationships build, they come up.
- Listening is the art of multitasking. Always listen with both your heart and your head. Networkers are usually good about listening with their head, but skip the heart part. This is the aspect of learning about the other person from a level that will reveal if you can truly work together and how they will relate to those to whom you refer them.
- Empathy begins with listening. Empathy is the ability to get into another person head and better understand them. It is the key to long, strong relationships, life-long customers regardless of price, and knowing how you can provide true value within a business or personal relationship. It starts by listening with your ears and eyes. Do not focus on mere words. See the body language that goes with the words.
- Listening requires a response. When you here something surprising, funny, or tragic do not discard it. Sure you may not know the perfect words to say but saying nothing is even worse. A simple "I'm never knew that" or "I'll keep you in my prayers" or "Tell me more" are all ways to show you are about more than just money.
I hope this posting is beneficial to you and that it reinforces your commitment to fully listen to those with whom you network.
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Rick,
First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. I can slightly understand what you must have gone through having lost a nephew at 2 years old. I received the news while at work. It was the only time I've openly cried in my office and I can remember the reactions of my co-workers that day and the days/weeks that followed.
Your point regarding listening is a very imprtant one. I know that I have been guilty of 'surface listening' many times but have learned to recognize this behavior and strive to expand that to include undertanding and empathy. Many in MCC have helped me by example. I know it's tough to shift focus from our agenda at times but if we all try to live by the 'give first' rule i believe relationships will grow faster and stronger.
Rick,
I to am sorry for your loss. I hope sharing your thoughts with the group has a cathartic effect and cushions the blow of another's insensitivity. Thank you for sharing.
Rick,
I am sorry for both the loss and the situation that you had to go through.
Its amazing how much some people get caught up in the 'business' flow and process and shift their goal, which is a good thing, into their "ONLY" goal in other words a selfish goal (not so good thing).
Thanks for the post that encourages us to not only be a good listener but a better human being !
Henry Joshua
www.dot-sign.com
Rick,
I am extremely sorry for your loss, and am thankful you shared this with us! I previously read your post "Hug Your Child Today" and cried my eyes out. Ever since I read that, I steal "extra hugs & kisses" from my kids daily, and even sneak in when they're sleeping to kiss their heads.
~Jennifer Reese
Dear Rick: My heart breaks for you in learning of your lost child. I echo everything said by Jennifer, Henry, Duane, and Chris. Your "What Life has Taught Me" guidance has also touched me deeply, and shown me very clearly that we can think we know someone pretty well (and for a long time, in this case) and not have a clue of what they have experienced on the "inside."
I have an extra-big hug for you the next time we cross paths.
-Linda
Thank you for the kind words. These are all very encouraging and very correct thoughts.
Thanks Chris for sharing about your nephew. I would ask how long ago it happened but I know that time does not change a loss like this no matter what others may say. I shared your words with my wife and we will keep your family in our prayers.
Rick, I am so sorry for your loss. Though I haven't eperienced anything like what you and Chris went through, I can imagine that time really doesn't lessen the sense of a hole within you.
And I really thank you for opening yourself up in this way to give us your wisdom about listening. Though I love to talk, I keep finding that the real power is in listening. Then I can hear not just what is said, but also what is not said.
And how am I listening? Am I just passively listening - what I call "hearing"? Words are being heard, but I'm not really present to what is being communicated. (Maybe that corresponds to your "listening with just your head and not your heart".) Am I actively listening? I'm fully present and able to respond to what is being said. Or am I contextually listening? I sometimes liken this to "having my elephant ears WAY out there, catching everything" - both said and unsaid. That's where the real power can lie, and where the power to make a difference with another person lives. That's where true coaching occurs.
As one who loves to talk, this is something I work on in myself every day - and sometimes every moment!
Rick, I am sorry for your loss. You are so right that listening takes more than ears...body language sometimes speaks volumes more than our words. It takes a special kind of strength to share something so painful and personal. Thank you for sharing a life experience and loss that will never be forgotten. You have helped many Motor City Connect members come closer to feeling human.
Rick, I am sorry for your loss and overwhelmed by your sharing it. You and Chris have truly given of yourselves. Your points about how to listen are well taken. We all sometimes lose touch with those principles of listening rather than hearing. Your reminder is welcome and inspiring. I pledge to work at becoming a better, more present listener. Thank you for the courage it took to share such a painful experience.
Rick, I can't even imagine a response like that after you communicated with such pain and openess. I will have to assume that the person didn't even bother to read it through. No human could do that to another with such callousness. Who am I kidding. But really, they must have made a horribe mistake!
This is my first day on this networking site and I am in the middle of trying to figure out how to place myself on here. But I must say, I stumbled across this and have to put it all on hold for right now while a take a breath. Of course , we are beyond sorry for your loss. That is a given. I am stunned right now and will use it as a lesson on re-reading everything before I reply! I am reeling in shock. Really.
Sincerely,
Jill